Wrapping Your MInd Around It

Last night I had a nice chat with Dad. And today. I also talked to my brother for the first time since finding out. It was, weird. I really want to be saying the right things to everybody to make them feel better. I'm just not sure if there is a right thing. I keep trying anyway. Maybe part of it is because I don't want this horrendous feeling of impending doom that is sitting like a knot in the pit of my stomach to show. I pray that it's not. Everyone has all got these positive cancer stories to share, except me. All mine, end badly. They end ugly and they end badly. It sucks. 

I've yet to tell the kids. Dad had his cat scan today, and sees the oncologist Monday. We'll have a better handle on where we stand. Oncologist? God I hate having that word in my life. I didn't last week. But here I am, with it starring at me right in the face. Anyway, once we have a better handle on where things are, then I'll figure out what to tell them. I can't even imagine. I just can't imagine. 

I haven't actually called any of my friends yet either. I mean what's the protocol? I guess there isn't one. I guess I just call and let them feel sad for me, and listen to me cry. That's what they're there for, right? 

I'm a very spiritual person. I always have been, and it's very strange to suddenly feel so abandoned. That's the best word I can think of to describe it. Abandoned. Abandoned by my faith and by my spirituality. I feel them NOWHERE. Why? Just when I need them the most. It's not fair. It's not fair, none of this is fair.