Happy Chemo?

Well today the whole family got together for a BBQ. Since there is a good chance that he will be starting treatment this week, it just seemed right. I'm so glad we did. Everyone had fun, and the mood stayed pretty light.

No one really knows what to expect from the chemo, and when he begins the radiation he won't be able to eat. They'll have to insert a tube into his stomach, and he'll put stuff like ensure into the tube and that's how he'll eat. So it's going to be pretty bad. But if that's what needs to be done to avoid the alternative, then so be it. 

I don't know if I'm handling it better, or just still in that state of shock. I just want to cry. I just love my dad so much, and seeing him with all his loving grandchildren, it just kills me to think that this is anything but the beginning of a bad couple of months. After that it'll be over. And my dad will be here for another 20 years. 

You could see it on everyones mind, but no one said anything. We talked about the big C a little bit, but mainly it was just technical stuff. The thing I want to look forward to the most is going camping after it's all over. I think that would be great. I'm just so scared. Scared for my dad, for me, my brother & sister, the kids, all of us.

I wish I could say things to Jan, that I don't know how to say. It seems so strange to be in a place where the truth of the matter is, I thank God she's there. Admitting that almost feels like a betrayal to my mom, but it's the truth.

I took a million pictures today and a bunch of home video footage. It felt kind of creepy, but I did it anyway. It was a good day, and hopefully this will be the beginning of many more good days where the whole family is together.

Allen even made a cake. We joked with my dad about what we could've written on the cake...

The only time anyone lost it was me, after everyone else had left. When my dad was leaving, I wanted to say so much, and I think I did say what I needed to say. But these words were what kept going through my head as to what I want him to hear when he's at hid darkest moment.
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
"Just what your worth"

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you