Another Day

Am I ever going to get past his state of shock? Will searching on the Internet for good cancer treatment centers and trying to plan a life around chemo and radiation ever seem real? I have a feeling that the answer is no. I'm finally telling people, which I guess is good. It's OK, after that initial, "My dad has cancer" part. That's the line where my voice always cracks. I feel like telling people should make it more real, but it doesn't. The more I talk about it the more detached and surreal it seems, compared to my other life. Life, BC.

I told the kids today, well Patrick. He took it pretty well, but than again I didn't really enforce the seriousness of it either. It seems mute to freak him out now. All he needs to know is he's sick, and the doctors are trying to make him better. Patrick was wondering if the radiation would turn grandpa into the Hulk? Kids have their own way of grasping things. Whatever it takes.

I keep thinking about how as a little girl I hated him drinking & smoking. How scary it was for me. Scary, because this is the kind of thing I feared would happen. It's just not fair. All I can do is pray we get through it. 

Please Dear God & Beloved Goddess,

This man is so much to so many, and the world would be so much less of a place if you took him now. He truly loves all that you've created and has dedicated his life to enjoying your simple wonders. He loves and is deeply loved in return. Please, not now. Please.