So This Is Cancer

When I was a kid I used to have this horrible recurring dream where my family and I was being chased with a faceless man in a black cape and hat. I say faceless because I never was able to get a good look at his face. The strange thing was that the dream was always ironic because while we were always running and hiding from the faceless man, we were always trying to catch him to. Neither ever happened and in time the dreams stopped. While in high school I had the dream analyzed by a pychologist who said it was tied in with fearing and trying to conqour alcohlism. It made sense to me, and that was the end of it.

Now though it has occurred to me that maybe it was something else. A fear that I NEVER admitted to anyone until now. Like some people have phobias about different things, mine has always been about cancer. It's been a deep seeded fear that I've always done my best to ignore my whole life, but last week, and well last night, it was something I could no longer ignore. Cancer had come knocking. And there's nothing I can do to keep it from coming in and setting up shop right here in the middle of my damn life. 

Moms and Dads get sick with cancer, I've seen it happen to my friends. I just always denied the possibility that it would happen to my dad. I think about the years when I was a kid, pleasing with him to stop smoking and drinking. And he did, so why now? Why God? Why do my kids have to watch there grandpa go through this? Why me? Why him? I guess, I've always prided myself on being a strong person and that if cancer ever hit my family I would be on that "Eye Of The Tiger" let's fight this attitude like the people you see on TV. But right now, in these first 24 hours since cancer has come into my life, all I can think is that those people are either stupid or big fat liars. Because the only thing I can think  to do is find a great big hole and crawl inside of it and hide. 

The suckiest part about this part of it, is we don't know what's next. Tomorrow dad goes for his cat scan to see where exactly we are in this fight. I don't know how to do this. This whole "cancer" thing. I guess I should find some comfort in the fact that my dad has always had a very "we could get hit by a bus tomorrow" kind of attitude when it comes to feelings and communication with us. So there is nothing I feel that I need to say, because he already knows how I feel about him, our life, our relationship, and all that he's done for me in my life.

I guess I should find some comfort, but I don't. Because all the love and beautiful words, can;t change the fact that I'm not ready. For shit's sake, HE'S not ready to go dammit. 

OH, there it is. There's the fight. ..