Finally A Day With Dad

Well, yesterday we FINALLY got to spend an afternoon with dad. This was the first since he started treatment three weeks ago. He chose yesterday because he starts his second round of chemo on Monday and this is probably the best he'll feel for another few weeks. We all met at Sunol and had a great time. The kids were overjoyed to see him, and so was I. But watching him play with his grandkids all afternoon made me feel great.

I was a little nervous about what to expect. I've seen people undergoing treatment, and I wasn't sure how bad he would look. But as it turned out he just looked like dad. He's lost some wait, but actually looked good. It was an amazing thing to see.

I talked to Jan a little, and could see that it's taking it's toll on her. I wish I knew what to say or do to let her know how much her taking care of my dad means. I know that I can't even begin to imagine what this must be like for her. She told me that his bad days are bad. He gets confused, takes the wrong medication, and does stuff that's just not him. She got a little choked up, and I just wish there was some way to show her.

This is all still very scary, and I wish I knew if this was helping him or not. I wish I knew that he was going to up for another visit like yesterday in three weeks.

Setback Verdict: Minor

Well it was confirmed that my dad did have a pancreatic attack/pancreatitis. As it turns out the very fatty diet they had him on (not his usual diet AT ALL) because of the chemo, caused his pancreas to flair up. He has had pancreatitis before, years ago, causing it to be his "weak link" if you will. Pancreatitis, treated promptly, is not really a big deal (other than be PAINFUL that is), but even a cold is treated quite seriously while undergoing chemo. SO they admitted him, and kept him on a liquid diet until the inflammation went down. Once the attack subsided (by yesterday) they let him slowly work his way back onto solid food, and since he was able to keep the solids down, he was able to return home this afternoon. No worse for the wear, I guess.

The downside to this "minor" setback, something I'm not sure he told anyone else, is while doing the x-rays they found some "spots" on some bone in that area, and decided to do bone scan, because it could possibly be more cancer. They'll know for sure in a couple days. We didn't really talk too much about it, so I'm not really clear on what that means. If they were pretty sure it was, not sure at all either way, or just being safe. So I guess it's just more wait & see...

At least he sounded good, and ... I keep forgetting that soon I won't be able to hear his voice at all. Wow this whole thing sucks. I just wish I knew that he was going to be OK.

Setback

Well I just got a call from my dad a little while ago and he's in the hospital. They suspect he has pancreatitas, which is what he had back when I was a kid. They don't really know for sure, and because they don't know they can't say what impact or relation it may or may not have to the cancer.

It's so up in the air, that I'm kind of in shock. Anything that involves getting admitted into the hospital would have to be considered a setback, but is it a minor one or a major one? I hate questions. I hate not knowing. I hate waiting. I hate cancer. Cancer sucks.

One Of The Good Days

I just got off the phone with my dad, and he sounded much better than he did when I talked to him yesterday. Yesterday when he called he just sounded so worn out, and cut our conversation off after only a minute or two. He was still pretty sick. I just called him today and it was nice to hear his voice. He even talked to Patrick for a few minutes, it was actually Patrick who wanted to call him and say goodnight. He said he was able to eat today, which was great. They said he'd have good days and bad ones. He said radiation has been pretty scary since the nauseau set in because he has to wear a mask over his face that's VERY snug. They assured him though that it only took a second for them to pop it off once he gave them the "sick" signal.

It was just good to hear his voice, especially since once the radiation takes over his body, he won't be able to speak anymore. It's hard to believe he's going to be going through this and we won't even be able to talk to us on the phone for the next coupe months. Awful. I'm going to download yahoo IM so we can chat that way though. Thank God for technology. It's still not the same. My poor daddy.

Chemo

Yesterday dad started his chemo and radiation treatment. I talked to him at the end of the day, and other than being tired (not surprising after that radiation treatment and then the 5 hour chemo drip) he said he was OK. He didn't really sound so hot, but who would?

He said he'd call me today, but he never did. It was strange, because on Sunday he mentioned that his friend that he met, who has the same cancer, started chemo last week. They had been talking every day, until after he started the chemo. Then he stopped calling. I could tell that kind of concerned him.

Well today, when I never heard from dad, I started thinking about it. I didn't want to call and disturb him, if he was not doing good. But at the same time, I really really want him to know I'm thinking about him. So around 7pm, I called. Jan answered. She said  he wasn't doing very good. They had a really rough night, and bad day. He's been pretty sick she said. He was resting, when I called, and couldn't really make it to the phone. 

It sounds like everything I ever knew of or heard about chemo. And it's only going to get worse. I am aching so much for him right now. I know that this is the only option, but man, it's just so bloody awful. My poor dad. I can't even bring the kids to see him, and because I do daycare, I'm scared to go see him myself.

It's all so unreal. We've been talking about it so much that now that it's here, it just doesn't seem real. The kids and I made a care package for him. We painted baby food jars, and filled them with different sized pom poms and gave each one a kiss, just for Grandpa. I filled my jar with about 50 "Hang In There" type quotes. I also took some pictures of them doing it too. I hope it makes him smile.

I just wish I could do more.

Waiting For Treatment To Start

So Dad starts his treatment on Monday. As much as we all seem to have a decent handle on it, there is still this undercurrent of fear. Especially when my dad makes these jokes about dying. I don't know, I just feel like his fears are more than he's really letting on.

It's looking more and more like we (or at least the kids) won't be seeing him while he's undergoing treatment. It's only a few months, but still it's hard. The kids and I made some good wish jars for him. They each filled there's (we each painted one) with different colored and size pom poms, each with a kiss and a hug put on it. I filled mine with about 50 quotes. I hope they'll help make his harder days a little brighter.

I keep wanting to forget that this is happening, but it just hangs over our head like a big menacing cloud. The big dark ones that float by, yet you don't know what it's going to do. Will it rain? If it does for how long and how hard? Or will it simply darken the sky for a moment and then move on?

I wish I knew.

Morning Has Broken

Well a lot has changed in the last week. The oncologists are now in agreement that my dad is in stage 2, and that's a good thing. They are going to do the radiation and chemo treatment at the same time, and that will start May 12. 

He's been going to his classes (educating him on the treatments) and will be fitted for his feeding tube next week. With the radiation, he won't be able to eat, so he'll have to be fed through a tube inserted into his stomach.

They say the treatment will be intense and aggressive, but they seem positive that he may not need surgery after this. Everybody is in pretty good spirits and hoping for the best. I feel much better about this than I did in the beginning, obviously.

My dad even made the comment that he feels he overreacted a little bit. That seems a little silly, but true. You hear the word Cancer and you think the worst. But Cancer is so vague, and there are so many types of Cancer, and so many stages and variations of each cancer. It's hard to really know what your up against in the early days.

I guess we'll just keep taking it one day at a time. That seems to be working so far.